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a convivial fellow

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I heard from someone you're still pretty [20 Mar 2008|04:04pm]
21521885

i can't believe i forgot this. mrs berryman asked me to repeat it every time i was late. it was on  all my awful ids, edline, it was mine.

i went back to dreyfoos today. not because i wanted to, i had to pick up transcripts-- i'm transferring, again. some guidance guy who i had never seen before asked me my number and for the first time, i drew a blank.

going back is a strange thing to do. there are things about high school i'll never forget and there are things that don't make sense to me anymore.

i guess i should explain why i have taken such a hiatus from lj. well, i mean, it sucks. we all know that. something about this medium has really lost its cache. or perhaps i've just outgrown it.

i have been in nyc for about 8 months, i picked up the train routes and frequent smoking, but it certainly not mine. it's an unconquerable place. i felt what i had here, (i'm saying here because i'm in florida right now, in a panera bread raping their free wifi) was mine. i knew short cuts and faces and things to do.

i've never felt more alone than living in new york, in my dorm in the financial district.  new york is "amazing," yes. it's amazing that i'm there--in an important place near--not close to--but near, important people and things.

but, i've never felt less important in my entire life. new york is an unknowable place. maybe that's what made it so hard.

in the beginning, i felt like it was supposed to be hard. and it amused me. i remember being on a subway, there was a homeless man hitting himself in the head, a group of orthodox jews congregating in the corner, and a baby crying and i was smiling. i was smiling because, then, it was just a scene. i was miserable, but i was miserable in new york, on a subway. i felt that i had some ownership to the place. i didn't just have an address in the city, i knew how much it sucked, and i felt a little more genuine.

eventually though, that novelty wore off and i was just miserable and the place didn't matter. it was cold and i was wearing drab clothing and no one knew who i was.

every time i come back home i think that i'm going to write about this feeling--the feeling of transition. i may know things here but i've realized, that its making less and less sense to me. (i'm not riping this off garden state, i swear.) i'm just saying that, now, being here, i am just in between everything. i don't have a place at school or at home.

so, i'm transferring again. i'm transferring to find that thing that i think i've lost. to find some sense of ridiculous belonging. (i'm sorry i'm so lame and cheesy.) but, i have a suspicion that i'll never actually find it.

maybe moving on is giving up. maybe it's forgetting little things and realizing that they're not important in the first place. wherever i end up next year, i'm sure i'll still have this feeling that "what was" was wonderful and what is fucking blows.

and then, someone asks you something that you know but you can't remember. and i think that's something like growing up.

jessie don't expect another one of these for a long time heyman
002 post

there's something wrong with me--i'm a cuckoo! [18 Jul 2007|01:54am]
[ mood | amused ]

perfection!

Clocky
Introducing the alarm clock that runs away and hides when you don't wake up! Clocky gives you one chance to get up like a normal person. But if you try to cheat and stay in bed (you know who you are!), Clocky will jump off of your nightstand, alarm sounding, and wheel around your room looking for a place to hide. Fully adjustable: set it to snooze once before running away, or even not to run away at all. Clocky is genius!

SERIOUSLY!



okay. i think i've found the key to my life-success. :)

so, i've just finished watching the devil wears prada and, their clothes were fab-u-lous!

and i was so excited because i was like, omg, in a month i'm totally going to be wearing boots and walking around new york. ah! (also, if you didn't know, i'm going to school in new york.)

but in the meantime, i'm now a barista and it blows. it blows a grande sugar free caramel non-fat latte--with no whip. that's right.

i'm off now.

farewell.

004 post

jude, jude, jude-y jude-y! [26 Jun 2007|08:51pm]
[ mood | itchy! ]

when you have mosquito bites all over your legs and then decide to shave said legs, it hurts like a mother fucker.

post

as we lay among the heavens [20 Jun 2007|05:13am]
so, after spending the past 3 weeks in new york, i'm home.

and everything feels so different. when i opened my front door, i was able to smell the newness that i guess never left my house. i went into my room and it felt strange. even sitting at my computer felt foreign--like i was reliving a memory, but it didn't fit completely.

i was sad to leave new york. genuinely sad. when i was there (for the most part) things were easy. i was removed from everything and everyone i knew and i think that made things easier somehow.

i went to sleep at a normal hour and woke up at a reasonable time, too. everything seemed more regulated--which is weird, because i was away from what was normal to me. maybe it's because my life is more chaotic than anything.

so, let's go over what happened:

* i got into american university and washington college.
* i got officially drunk (omg.)--and, let me tell you, i become a huge SLUT! :)
* i love sangria
* i drove alllll over new york. and, it made me feel so fucking cool.
* i, shockingly, didn't purchase one garment.
* i depleted the fuck out of my funds.
* i saw "a moon for the misbegotten" with kevin spacey and miles o'brien from ds9 and it still sucked.
* i love hanging out with my brother and his friends but i hate being patronized for my youth.
* i never got carded :)

okay. so, without rambling, let me expound.

first of all, because this is fresh in my mind, i had the WORST airport experience of my life. i got there at 6pm. boarded at 10:30pm. stayed on the for another 2 hours! and then flew home. i was livid. livid. but, what was funny was, i befriended this high-power wallstreet lawyer who was so disgusted by everything and everyone.

anyway, part of the reason i stayed so long was to see some of these schools. and, i did. we took a trip to maryland and saw goucher college and washington. goucher looked like a military school for boys but, it was still a really cool school. washington was the absolute antithesis of me. think of me. think of my antithesis. that's washington. everything in the town closes at 4 pm--everything being a christian bookstore and the antique mall. basically, it's not the place for me. but, i really hope it doesn't come down to that.

i can't believe i'm going away and i still don't know where to yet. that really freaks me out--but i'm not going to go into that.

what was really valuable about my time up north was that i realized a lot about myself. i wasn't lost in my routine and so i was able to really see myself. some of the shit that i realized scared me, but i think that it will ultimately help.

anyway, now that i am home, i have to get a serrrrrious job. i need to make a fuck of a lot before august.

man, as grateful as i am to be back in my bed, somethings really suck about coming home.

jessie nefertiti heyman
007 post

it took me 50 years to swallow all my tears [28 Apr 2007|04:46am]
[ mood | crushed ]

people always say that the only person you can rely on is yourself.

but, i've never been able to.

my whole life, i've been seeking validation from people around me--my mom to tell me that i was beautiful; my teachers to tell me that i was smart; and my friends to tell me that i mattered. but, when i really think about it, it was never enough. and i think it's because i never found it within myself.

but, i still seek for those same things today. i get everything from outside sources, and while i may not believe their positive affirmations, i always believe the negative ones.

there are always going to be people who don't like me--who don't love me the way that i love them. and no matter how funny i am, or how smart i am, or how i look, it's not going to change that.

i'm not okay with depending on others. i hate wanting so desperately to be loved and feel like i matter. but, i hate, most of all,  that a lot of the time, it doesn't happen.

lately, i just feel so temporary. i feel like the people in my life are moving away from me. and, instead of trying to figure out a strategy, i have to realize that there isn't one.

i just feel so different from everyone else.  like i have some kind of genetic defect, like a lingering-gene or something.

one of the things that i'm most grateful for is my sense of empathy. because, if you can empathize with someone, you can understand them and their actions. and somehow that always made things easier for me to relate to. but, i don't think i'll ever understand this.

i hope one day i find more people that will challenge these fears, but until then, i should probably start working on being okay with just myself.

post

listen, you'll hear it [12 Apr 2007|08:02pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

mom enters the room. looks at jessie's desk to find  old pieces of raisin bread laying on top of a coffee mug.

mom (annoyed): jesus. what's with this bread here? can i take this away?
jessie laughs as mom picks up the half-eaten bread.
mom (laughing): i'll tell ya, you're an animal. you're the biggest animal i've ever seen.

i don't know why i made that into a play-type-format. maybe i wanted to convey just how funny i thought it was.

okay, so, i slept like 2 hours last night. bad move. i had to write a biography on woody allen, and i did, at 9 am. so i'm fucking exhausted  but i'm laboring to stay awake, and i'm going to use you, lj. i'm going to make this the most interactive post EVER. (watch, no one will comment.)

first: the test

(this will be the third of the omg-i'm-self-referential tests. what can i say? i'm pathetic.)

1. i'm on my way to take a test, but in the process, i trip and fall i will most likely
a. cry
b. get really embarassed and pretend that nothing happened
c. believe that i will now do poorly on the upcoming test

2. when i fly, which beverage do i need to get and why?
a. peach snapple--it's my favorite
b. tomato juice--it's a superstition
c. perrier--i want to feel sophisticated

3. my potential post secret includes
a. a suicide
b. a fruit
c. a threat

4. sometimes, at restaurants or starbucks, when they request my name, i go by this pseudonym
a. rebecca
b. lola
c. jane

5. typically, when i'm sad, i want to
a. eat
b. sleep
c. shop

6. a pet-peeve of mine is
a. coughing
b. soft-talking
c. crying

7. i save certain aim conversations, why?
a. they're too wonderful to erase
b. they're most likely painful and i want to be able to reread them
c. i don't save aim conversations

8. the following is a mock conversation between me and a friend:
friend: i love liver--espeically with onions
me: ew!
i responded like this because
a. i hate liver
b. i have never tried that, though, it sounds disgusting
c. when i was small, my mother force-fed me liver until i vomited--which is why i now have a vomit phobia.

9. i'm most scared i'll end up
a. alone
b. a house-wife
c. divorced

10. in high school, which class did i believe i was most committed to
a. journalism
b. mr johnston's
c. ceramics


okay. well, that was important. but i think it's pretty easy. anyway, i also went to see the decemberists' concert last weekend. it was a-m-a-z-i-n-g; jordan and i were RIGHT next to the stage. i touched colin! omg. i TOUCHED him. (...ew) and, here's the crazy-ass video of them doing some russian dancing!

the next few weeks will surely be crazy. i have the acts on saturday--i've never felt more pathetic than when i take standardized tests. and then, my brother comes home! then, finals :(.

but, soon, it'll all be over!! and i am so ridiculously excited about that!


-jessie mr kool heyman

005 post

lol [30 Mar 2007|01:34am]
[ mood | ridiculous ]

Dear Jessica,

Congratulations! It is with great pleasure that I
welcome you to Wilshire College as a member of the
Class of 2010. You were selected from an accomplished and academically
talented group of more than 300 applicants. The admitted group, of
which you are a part, is outstanding in its achievements, interests,
and potential. We are enthusiastic about the prospect of your
attendance and are confident that you and Wilshire are an ideal match.

The faculty and staff join me in inviting you to
attend Wilshire. This is a particularly exciting time at the College;
the opportunity for personal involvement in all facets of your
education here is significant. The College continues to be
distinguished by the commitment of its faculty to combine excellence in
teaching with exceptional scholarship and research. New initiatives
undertaken in recent years, including a reaffirmation of the commitment
to a diverse student body, an expansion of the financial aid program,
and a major expansion of academic and research facilities, will each
enhance Wilshire's national leadership in liberal arts education.

Again, congratulations on your acceptance. Please
let us know if we can be of any help to you in the next few weeks. We
would appreciate confirmation of your matriculation plans via the reply
form that is enclosed with your paper notification by May 1st. I hope
you decide to become a part of the Wilshire community.


Sincerely,

Malka P. Cohen
Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid



finally.
005 post

don't tell me that you get sick of living [25 Mar 2007|11:31pm]
[ mood | sore ]



can we talk about how unjust the world is???



oh, well, at least i was there. even though there is very little documentation of it.

and in other, unrelated news: i have no radio again. and, i realize that i really can't deal with silence at all. like, i started singing "poor unfortunate souls" from the little mermaid and talking in strange accents and trying to rhyme words with "ducky." i really need to get my music back.

ah. time to return to my french composition.

au revoir!

001 post

if i could do just one near-perfect thing i'd be happy [20 Mar 2007|12:43am]
[ mood | blah ]

so i realized, while i was eating wendy's in the publix parking lot, that i have such a pathetic middle-aged life.

not so much middle-aged, as like, middle-aged-bum-life.

i don't know. but, it's sort of sad.

my mommy leaves on business for days, sometimes weeks, at a time and i'm usually fine. i don't really get scared or lonely. it only starts to bother me when, say, the smell from the garbage starts filling up the house and i close my bedroom door to keep the stench out. but, it's not like that would be any different if she were here either.

sometimes i feel like kevin from home alone. like, remember that scene when he goes shopping and buys incedibly responsible groceries, like, milk and fabric softener? that's like me. and as "adult" as i feel most of the time, sometimes it really is like i'm this child playing responsible.

it's so weird to think that children love to play both extremes. they're either like, flying around the galaxy saving princesses from goblin-alien hybrids or playing house. i think because both activities are just as far away from them that it makes them worthy of playing.

i still have a lot of ideas for the life that i want to live. the glamourous parties that i'll attend, the intelligent conversations i'll have, the places i'll visit, and it gets me thinking that maybe i'm still playing make-believe--but instead of a plastic baby-doll, it's a  party dress and heels.

so as far as my middle-aged life, maybe i'm wrong. and even though i may purchase real groceries now, i still feel so far away from being a grown up.

001 post

he takes off her dress now [05 Mar 2007|03:42am]
[ mood | awake ]

i like to look back at my entries.

i scrolled through my calendar and came to this day two years ago. and, i discovered this crazy letter i wrote. and, what freaked me out even more than my obvious insanity, was that it paralleled my current life and my current craziness.

i wasn't even able to finish reading the letter. i remembered the way that i felt and i remembered how true i thought it was and it started to really bother me. i realized that i haven't really changed at all. and that i haven't gotten better with dealing with losing people or disappointment or anything.

when it comes to people who i care about, i can't be out of control. i can't let them go. i do whatever i can to hold on to them, to make them stay, to make them want to stay. and, when they resist, or when i fail, i literally lose my mind.

i don't like that my sanity hinges itself on the status of my close friendships. i think it's really fucked up and i wish i could just understand that i can't control people.

what's weird is, eventually, i do get over people. it takes me a long time, maybe longer than most normal people, but i get there. and, once i'm there i don't give a fuck about them. and i say that i never really did.

hindsight is a funny thing. i feel like people who say they're in love always end up ammending it later, like, "oh, i thought i was in love. but now, now i'm really in love."

i kind of feel like life is about contrast. always measuring what's happening now to what already happened and somehow, it's always skewed, sometimes better, and sometimes worse. 

i really wish i could just fastforward through all that emotional hell so it doesn't have to become something i account for later. maybe the next time i decide to look back through my lj i will finally have figured a way out. but, in all likelihood, i won't.

oh, well. here's hoping.

004 post

living reflections of a dream [26 Feb 2007|10:46pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

holy shit.

i'm travelling the world this summer.

(with my best friend!)

002 post

i had a funny dream and you were wearing funny shoes [23 Feb 2007|01:21am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

tagged (sorta) by </a>littleozzyman</b>
"List seven songs you are into right now, no matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good. They must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your Live Journal along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to."

1. The Decemberists - (I'm sorry. I cannot just choose one song) On the bus mall, the Crane Wife 1 and 2 and Shiny off picaresque, the crane wife and five songs respectively. Omg. fucking amazing. seriously, there are no words. they're epic and gorgeous.

2. Sufjan Stevens - The Predatory Wasp of the Pali off Illinois. I remember being introduced to Sufjan. Alex made ana a cd of some of his songs and this was the first song i ever heard. It's so beautiful, but also, really sad.

3. Modest Mouse - Gravity Rides Everything offThe moon and antartica
I first heard this song from a mix Michelle gave me over the summer.  I immediately fell in love with it and kept listening to it over and over again.

4. Simon and Garfunkle - Punky's Dilemma off Bookends [Bonus Tracks]
i recently discovered this. it's so loveable!

5. Belle and Sebastian- I'm a cuckoo off Dear catastrophe waitress
ahh! soo happy! :) i just want to dance to it whenever it comes on!

6. Led Zeppelin - That's the way
I don't know what album this is from. I got it off the almost famous soundtrack. amazing movie, amazing song.

7. Elliott Smith - Pitseleh off xo
so, here's the deal with this song, i heard it and recognized it from some movie. however, i could not pin-point it. i ended up becoming so crazy that i googled "pitseleh" and "movie" and it ended up being from keeping the faith. random.

tagging: everyone!

p.s. i really don't want to be obsessed with grey's anatomy! anddddd, i really need to write my paper!

bisous!

006 post

[21 Feb 2007|04:22am]
[ mood | sick ]

this is perhaps the most pathetic scene ever:

eating corned beef and watching home improvement while wearing nothing but socks.

i forgot just how bad this show is.

001 post

and we slept in sundays [14 Feb 2007|10:08pm]
[ mood | loved ]



:)!!!


002 post

i got a joke i've been dying to tell you [12 Feb 2007|03:29am]
[ mood | talkative ]

i should be doing french right now. i'm not.

when i have children, i'm going to hire like 12 nannies, all who speak a different language, that way my kids will never have to deal with this shit.

i really think that i won't be able to function in "the real world." i've heard about this terrifying place my entire life where you wake up at, like, 7 am. it's just not going to happen. i'm going to end up working the grave yard shift at kinkos or a shell station or something. and my life will be tragic, and i will actually be come the vampire that mr ruth always suspected that i was.

so, i think i've gone through another [shift.] (not the event, an emotional [shift] but, i can't bear seeing the word without brackets.) i think i've come to accept that some people are transient. it doesn't mean that they matter less just because they're not permanent fixtures in your life. they still have weight and impact, no matter how long their friendship lasts.

in other news, i'm all alone. my mom's in vegas partying it up with ol' marithe et francois. i don't really mind staying alone, though.

i'm afraid of becoming a smoker. no! i can't! chimn-chimmine, chim-chim-charoo!

it always makes me sad to find out about really amazing artists/comedians/anyone who's dead. not, like, vivaldi, but like, nick drake. it makes me feel really bad, actually.

i wish it was april 7th. that way, jordan would be over and we'd be freaking out because we'd be leaving to go see the decemberists in like, 3 hours. omg. i can't waitttttttttttt.

but, i have to.

cherrio!

006 post

[08 Feb 2007|06:31pm]
me: mom, i want to go away this summer
mom: oh, that's nice. where?
me: isreal--on birthright.
mom: israel?! where there's death and craziness?!
004 post

oh, everyone believes in how they think it ought to be [07 Feb 2007|12:12am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

 i don't care if this is for just my benefit. it's amazing:

me: it's so hard for me to bring myself to do my work
but i do it
aren't you proud of me this semester?
ana: i'm so proud of you
me: last semester i worked hard too
ew. i sound like catherine
from a farewell to arms
ana: OMG YOU DO
lol
me: aren't you proud of me, darling?
i tried so hard to be a good wife
ana: darling, arem't i sweet for you darling?
i try so hard, darling
me: aren't i a good wife, darling?
you are
ana: o, but you are a darling wife
hahahaha
kiss
me: i poured myself another glass of vermouth
ana: and we lay together in the hospital bed
hahaha
me: the winds were strong that day. strong from the north. cool and cold, i'd know that feeling anywhere.
ana: hahahaha
me: hahah
ana: so cold
hahaha
me: the only warmth was catherine
she was so beautiful
ana: my darlng catherine
me: with her blonde hair glistening
hahaha
ana: our nights in the bed were lovely, together. and sometimes they weren't as lovely
me: HAHAHA
ana: but mostly they were so lovely
me: i love you!
awwww
ana: i love you too!
SO MUCH
me: i love that we mock hemingway!!!
ana: lol
me: we're SUCH bitches
ana: i know!!!!


meh! nothing else here! just applicationssssssssss. noooooo.
003 post

stupidity: a down-to-earth approach [24 Jan 2007|01:40am]
[ mood | restless ]

North americans, for example, communicate a succinct message by raising the middle finger in a short, upward stabbing motion...I once was surprised to find that this particular gesture was not universal, having internalized it to such an extent that i thought everyone knew what it meant.

When i was comparing gestures wiht friends in mexico, however, this gesture drew a blank look from them. After i explained its intended meaning, they laughed and showed me their rudest gesture--placing the hand under the armpit and moving the upper arm up and down.

To me, they simply looked as if they were imitating monkeys, but to them the gesture meant "your mother is a whore"--the worst possible insult in that culture.

--an excerpt from my sociology text book.

this is the most ridiculous text book ever.

003 post

our aspirations are wrapped up in books [15 Jan 2007|01:36pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Comment and...

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.

Repost.

0017 post

where flowers grew and sun stood still [10 Jan 2007|02:27am]
[ mood | drained ]


006 post

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