a convivial fellow (messijessie) wrote,
a convivial fellow
messijessie

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he takes off her dress now

i like to look back at my entries.

i scrolled through my calendar and came to this day two years ago. and, i discovered this crazy letter i wrote. and, what freaked me out even more than my obvious insanity, was that it paralleled my current life and my current craziness.

i wasn't even able to finish reading the letter. i remembered the way that i felt and i remembered how true i thought it was and it started to really bother me. i realized that i haven't really changed at all. and that i haven't gotten better with dealing with losing people or disappointment or anything.

when it comes to people who i care about, i can't be out of control. i can't let them go. i do whatever i can to hold on to them, to make them stay, to make them want to stay. and, when they resist, or when i fail, i literally lose my mind.

i don't like that my sanity hinges itself on the status of my close friendships. i think it's really fucked up and i wish i could just understand that i can't control people.

what's weird is, eventually, i do get over people. it takes me a long time, maybe longer than most normal people, but i get there. and, once i'm there i don't give a fuck about them. and i say that i never really did.

hindsight is a funny thing. i feel like people who say they're in love always end up ammending it later, like, "oh, i thought i was in love. but now, now i'm really in love."

i kind of feel like life is about contrast. always measuring what's happening now to what already happened and somehow, it's always skewed, sometimes better, and sometimes worse. 

i really wish i could just fastforward through all that emotional hell so it doesn't have to become something i account for later. maybe the next time i decide to look back through my lj i will finally have figured a way out. but, in all likelihood, i won't.

oh, well. here's hoping.
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