a convivial fellow (messijessie) wrote,
a convivial fellow

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it took me 50 years to swallow all my tears

people always say that the only person you can rely on is yourself.

but, i've never been able to.

my whole life, i've been seeking validation from people around me--my mom to tell me that i was beautiful; my teachers to tell me that i was smart; and my friends to tell me that i mattered. but, when i really think about it, it was never enough. and i think it's because i never found it within myself.

but, i still seek for those same things today. i get everything from outside sources, and while i may not believe their positive affirmations, i always believe the negative ones.

there are always going to be people who don't like me--who don't love me the way that i love them. and no matter how funny i am, or how smart i am, or how i look, it's not going to change that.

i'm not okay with depending on others. i hate wanting so desperately to be loved and feel like i matter. but, i hate, most of all,  that a lot of the time, it doesn't happen.

lately, i just feel so temporary. i feel like the people in my life are moving away from me. and, instead of trying to figure out a strategy, i have to realize that there isn't one.

i just feel so different from everyone else.  like i have some kind of genetic defect, like a lingering-gene or something.

one of the things that i'm most grateful for is my sense of empathy. because, if you can empathize with someone, you can understand them and their actions. and somehow that always made things easier for me to relate to. but, i don't think i'll ever understand this.

i hope one day i find more people that will challenge these fears, but until then, i should probably start working on being okay with just myself.
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